This is a hard teaching of Jesus. It has led to much abuse and toil in churches.

I have preached before of my own church trauma. When this text was read by my childhood Catholic priest during our weekly school worship, he used this text to condemn all divorced women to hell. No mention of the men. As a child living with my divorced mom… who didn’t want to get a divorce, but my dad sure did… I stood up, got my sister, and we walked out of church. I was in the fourth grade.

In Mark 10:1-12, we encounter Jesus discussing the topic of divorce. The Pharisees question him about the lawfulness of divorce, specifically asking “Can a man divorce his wife?” Do you hear the one-sided question? Can a man..?  It seems like these religious folk are seeking to trap Jesus in a theological scandal or legal contradiction. Maybe Jesus would comment on the question behind the question: Herod had divorced his wife and married his brother’s wife; his sister in-law. John the Baptist condemned this, and Herod beheaded John.[1] Maybe that’s what the Pharisees are hoping to do.

Yet Jesus response shifts the conversation away from a mere legal ruling to a reflection on the deeper purpose of relationships and the equality inherent in them. I think todays text can go beyond married people and be used for all relationships. More on that later, but first… This has been considered a text of terror. It has caused people to remain in abusive relationships and has disproportionately affected women. Plus, it just doesn’t seem to fit with who we know Jesus to be.

In John 4:16-26, Jesus encounters a Samaritan woman at the well. She had gone through five marriages and was living with a sixth without the benefit of marriage vows. He doesn’t condemn her, just notes it, and that’s what it takes for her to believe Jesus is who he says he is. She tells the whole town about him.

Later in John 8, the scribes and Pharisees bring Jesus a woman caught in the act of adultery. They want to kill her by stoning as prescribed by Mosaic law. Jesus writes in the sand and said, “Let anyone among you who is without sin cast the first stone.” They all leave. Jesus then says to the woman, “Neither do I condemn you. Go on your way, and from now on, do not sin again.”

When Jesus is at dinner, Jesus allows a woman to bathe his feet with her tears, dry them with her hair, and anoint them in Luke 7:36-50; much to the disgust of his host. But he says to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven… go in peace.”

We know how Jesus responded to people in broken relationships: with grace. He wasn’t a rigid legalist, except maybe with the law of love, so why does he sound like one here?

The Pharisees ask their question, and Jesus responds with a question, “What did Moses command you?” They answer. Jesus says, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote this commandment for you.” The phrase “hardness of heart” comes from Exodus and is linked to Pharaoh.  No Jew would want to be lumped in with Pharaoh. Pharaoh is a representative figure for an exploitative system with Pharaoh on top and Israel on the bottom.

Jesus brings Moses and Pharaoh into the conversation to show the Pharisees a different perspective. They knew the letter of the law, but maybe not the heart of it. In effect, he will base his argument on a broader understanding of Moses–not specific commands or permissions, but a general attitude toward life and relationships based on God’s hope for creation.

When our hearts are hardened, we set up a hierarchy. When we think we’re better, we can dehumanize and exploit others. This causes a lot of pain. There is pain when we can’t reconcile to one another. There is pain when we or someone we love are hard-hearted and we separate. I think Jesus is pointing to God’s intended order, which is that people would be in healthy partnered relationships based on mutuality and equality, not hierarchy and exploitation. In the kingdom of God, we would be humble enough to be doing the work of forgiveness and reconciliation all the time and there would be no need for separation.

In high school, my close friend, was dating a terrible guy. He cheated on her, and she confided in me, asking how to win him back. I was shocked. This guy treated her horribly, and she wanted to go back to him? Absolutely not. I said that she is worthy of someone who treats her as she would want to be treated. With her ex, she would never get that based on his actions.

Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 6:14, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” This would be applicable to my friend and her ex. It would apply to so many who married and grew apart and found themselves in the unwelcome, unwanted, incredibly painful prospect of divorce. They didn’t have the same beliefs about the kind of faithfulness and care their partner deserves. That’s being unequally yoked. Relationship is near impossible if you don’t share the same values or believe the same thing about the nature of your relationship.

Love and marriage and sex are among God’s greatest gifts. I think Jesus is going beyond the letter of the law and saying that we should honor these gifts of God and not be flippant with them. Jesus appeals to the ideals of Genesis: two become one. We see what happens when we separate the atom, things go nuclear and we deal with the fallout for generations.

Kate and I went to Wild Goose in July, a progressive Christian festival that’s a mix between church camp and Woodstock. We saw The Work which is a powerful documentary about group therapy in a maximum-security prison.

The film follows three civilians as they participate in a four-day intensive men’s therapy retreat at Folsom State Prison. All these men had absent fathers. All of them had to deal with the fallout when love is callously treated, and hierarchies are established and hard-heartedness runs the show.

It takes a long time to heal such wounds and choose a different way of being in your relationships. It’s hard to sort through such things, to come back to yourself, and to show love in ways you were never shown – but it’s not impossible. Perhaps, it is at least worth trying, as I see in so many couples in therapy who are working on their issues together, and learning to communicate in new and equitable ways.

My mentor the Rev. Nancy Dahlberg said, “It is easier to mentor a child than try to fix a broken adult.” My friend moved on from that relationship and is happily married to someone else. I have and continue to deal with my father issues, and I’m happily married. I hope Kate is, too. The men at Folsom and the three civilians all started to face their wounds. How they were treated and how their values were denied or betrayed. They started down the path of Christ’s liberating way.

So when Christ says, “You shall not commit adultery” I hear our capacity to be unfaithful to one another in all our relationships. How we abandon one another instead of taking the time to talk things out and reconcile. We are those who, if not in act, at least in mind and heart, are guilty of being flippant with our relationships.

God’s intention for us is honest and just relationships. Sometimes, we have to leave a bad relationship because that’s just not possible. There are abusive narcissists out there. I’d like to think they’re in the minority but I’m a dreamer. Most likely, both people need some space to grow, and having that space can be a really good thing.

God is for our reconciliation, but not for our misery languishing in one-sided relationships. It is okay to let go of unhealthy relationships. We cannot always talk it out. That doesn’t mean we’re hard hearted. We probably just need some good therapy.

I use Prepare Enrich program when I prepare couples for marriage. I like to say that I don’t do weddings. Weddings are a day. I prepare couples for marriage which is ideally a life-long covenant. Prepare Enrich is an inventory that couple takes that measures how much they have considered finances, intimacy, lifestyle, and communication. I’ve found this a helpful tool in starting down the hard work of married life.

Often our love stories end at the wedding. The wedding is just the beginning. That’s when the work begins. Life is often like it. I hear folks accepting Jesus into their heart, and then they act like they’re done. No. That’s just the start. Following Jesus means you’re launched into a community, studying scripture, and standing with the outcast, marginalized, hungry, naked, imprisoned, and poor. All the unpopular people and his teachings are still just as challenging today as they were in the first century.

Jesus is asking us for more compassion. God’s kingdom, as demonstrated by Jesus, does not belong to the hard-hearted but to the compassionate, the humble, the peacemakers. Those who welcome, love, and serve.

So, my friends, let us strive for a deeper understanding of this complex teaching. Let us embrace compassion, forgiveness, and the sacredness of human connection. Instead of wielding this text as a weapon of condemnation, let us use it as a catalyst for healing and reconciliation. Of valuing relationships instead of hard-heartedly seeking to win against our family and neighbors.

Remember, God’s love is not a rigid set of rules but a boundless ocean of grace. It’s a love that is loyal and won’t be callous with us. It’s a love that calls us to be more like Jesus – compassionate, forgiving, and always willing to reach out to those who are hurting.

Let us strive to be a community that reflects God’s love in all that we do. Let us be a place where the broken find healing, the lost find their way, and the weary find rest. Where the betrayed can learn to trust again. Let us be a community that, like Jesus, offers not condemnation but compassion, not judgment but grace.

For God is not a legalistic sin-miser. No. God is the one wedded to us and who will never leave our side. Thanks be to God. Amen.

Bibliography
Carroll, John and James Carroll, Preaching the Hard Sayings of Jesus. Hendrickson Publishers, 1996.

Levine, Amy-Jill, Jesus, Divorce, and Sexuality: a Jewish Critique. https://www.bc.edu/content/dam/files/research_sites/cjl/sites/partners/cbaa_seminar/CBA_members_only/AJLevine.pdf Accessed 9/24/2024.

Perkins, Pheme, The Gospel of Mark, The New Interpreter’s Bible, Volume VIII, pages 641-646.

Pulpit Fiction Podcast: https://www.pulpitfiction.com/notes/proper22b/#Mark10%3A2-16= Accessed 9/24/2024.

Special thanks to Kate, the Rev. Meghan Malone, Deacon Paul Kipstuhl of St. Francis Xavier and the Rev. Kelly Aughenbaugh of St. Paul’s Episcopal for help with this week’s doozy of a text. All notes of wisdom are theirs, and failure is my own.

Works Cited

[1] See Matthew 14:3-4, Mark 6:17-18, and Luke 3:19-20. John’s belief that Herod’s marriage to Herodias was both incestuous and adulterous, violating Jewish laws of family relations as outlined in Leviticus 18:16 and Leviticus 20:21, which prohibit marrying a brother’s wife.