“Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards” -Soren Kierkegaard

One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite philosophers. Kierkegaard is a Christian existentialist. Existentialism is a philosophy that says that we cannot fully define the nature of existence by categories, definitions, or models. The only way to understand the nature of existence is to experience it. Reflect on it. And keep striving to understand.

The problem with this idea is that life can only be lived forward, but understood backward.

There have been plenty of things that I’ve experienced in the moment, but only understood it in the days, weeks, months, and sometimes years afterward.

It has taken me a long time to become an existentialist. My default setting is to be a responsible first born. I like rules. I like structure. Give me the categories and rules, and I’ll follow and enforce them on the wayward siblings who will challenge and rebel against the rules. It has taken me a long time to question the rules and challenge the structure. I always admired and was a little fearful of those who did challenge the rules.

God had planted seeds in my life. The ground was tilled by my mom who has always been her own unique self. There were small buds throughout my life but full bloom came in art class my senior year of high school.

I was working on my senior project and listening to the room. I was starting to get annoyed. Something was off. Injustice was present, but I was trying to ignore it. The teacher was dozing at her desk. As was my best friend, Mao. Two female students were having an inappropriate conversation about what they did with their boyfriends. I felt my anger grow. The teacher was totally checked out. But I tried to keep my head down. Then something happened. Aaron Coventry, the class clown and someone I’ve known since kindergarten, asked to go to the restroom. The teacher said no. Aaron asked why. The teacher said because she knew he would be up to no good. He looked physically pained.

I heard a voice shout, “That’s not fair. That’s no good! Let him go to the restroom!”

The teacher looked at me and said, “Lindon. Hallway!”

Apparently, that shouting voice was mine.

I sheepishly followed the teacher out. It felt like every face was shocked as they stared me out the door.

The teacher, with great compassion said, “Luke, this isn’t like you. What’s going on?”

It just poured out of me. “You’re not being fair. Yes, Aaron can be trouble but he’s been working with his group on his project. Mao has been asleep. The two young women are talking loudly about inappropriate things. And you’re asleep! Just let Aaron go to the restroom. And please teach the class. Not just the ones you like.”

The teacher’s eyes got big. She took a deep breath. And then she turned and walked into the room without a word.

“Aaron, go ahead to the restroom. Mao, wake up. Class, let’s get to work on our projects. I’ll be around to get a progress report and to see how I can help your projects be the best that they can.”

And that’s what she did.

There is something within this experience that I’ve tried to understand. I tell this story, not because I’m so heroic. I stumbled into telling the truth that was in the room. I discovered my spiritual gift of agitation in this moment.

I was not okay with the status quo. It was unjust.

This “gift” been with me in spite of me wanting to cling to the structure. Sometimes the structure is sinful and wrong. Sometimes the structure is fine, but our leaders aren’t following it.

I discovered the structure can be sinful when my beloved Catholic priest growing up said that all divorced women are going to hell. That’s not good structure. That’s sinful. That’s not right. I discovered a lot of sinful structure. Structures that demean and devalue women, people of color, and LGBTQ+ folk need to be dismantled. Gone. Let’s not do that again.

And yet we need structure! We have Biblical laws to try to help us live with one another in peace and when we can’t the laws tell us how to reconcile and correct behavior. We are a nation of laws. Laws are the guardrails of society. Most of us can keep things on the road, but for those who careen off the road… well. We know what to do.

So here I am. An existentialist structuralist. Someone who likes the rules but knows at some level the rules won’t save us.

This leads me back to where we started. “Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.”

Learn from the past, analyze it, study it all you will so you can learn more about yourself, others, your business, your leadership, your journey and your purpose here on earth.

When it comes to the future, however, trust yourself and what wisdom God has given you. Your experience. Listen to your gut. Sometimes you’ll hear your voice speaking a truth that needs told. Sometimes you have to work up the nerve to say it.

As Steve Jobs once said, “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”[1]

It’s what our readings today are pointing to. God is with us. God knows us fully and completely. Discerns our thoughts from far away. God won’t abandon us. Even when things seem darkest. God can see in that dark. See the path forward. Guide us even through the valley of the shadow of death. Through death into new life.

This is true. It’s not as simple as it sounds or some trite faith quotes make it sound. Some folks love “God is good! ALL THE TIME. ALL THE TIME. God is good.” That phrase rubbed me the wrong way for so long. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Someone pointed out that they can’t stand the phrase. They admitted that they confuse life with God. Life isn’t always good and if God is never far from us and discerns our thoughts and God’s judgments never fail, then it’s God’s fault that my life is falling apart? That phrase makes them dislike God.

I think more nuance is needed for this phrase. It’s true. God is good all the time, even when things aren’t.

There was once a woman I was called to minister to during my time as a hospital chaplain. Her skin was yellow. Her eyes were highlighter yellow. She would talk about her angst and turn and throw up in a bag. Her life was awful. She complained how THEY wouldn’t let her get a liver transplant. THEY told her that she has cirrhosis of the liver. THEY weren’t going to help her. So what that she drank? She was allowed to. It was her right. So what she took the wrong medication when THEY told her not to. Why were THEY being so mean to her and where was GOD in all of this if HE was so GOOD?!

My only question was, “THEY sound really mean. But it sounds like your choices weren’t in your best interest either, were they?”

She looked at me fully. She said, “I guess not. But why did you have to point that out?”

As the Wisdom passage stated, “By your actions, you taught your people that those who do what is right must always want what is best for others. Your sons and daughters saw you give to those who have sinned a chance to change their hearts and minds. In this way you encouraged them.”

We live forward. There’s no going back. Our joys, our concerns, our successes and failures. We must own it all. Even if we have to understand it later. We cannot make our story into something it’s not. Edit out the embarrassing or painful parts to get the something we like. We can’t just blame THEM, whoever THEY are. God is with us in the embarrassing and painful parts calling us to learn from those parts and not repeat them. Live forward, understand backward.

We try to love others by our actions. We don’t always get it right. But God never gives up on us. Always urging us. Leading us by the hand. Knowing what we’re going to do before we do it and loving us right or wrong.

This wisdom is too wonderful for me. I can’t fully describe it. or box it. I can’t make it into a formula or system for you to follow. I couldn’t give you my 4-point plan to live your life. Even if I could, I wouldn’t. It would short circuit your journey. It would be a poor substitute for the relationship you can have on your adventure with the Holy and Gracious Mystery behind your existence!

Maybe our future isn’t in the rules. Or in our leaders. Or arguing about the rules and who gets to be in charge of them. I think Jesus has something else in mind for us. Maybe it is something as the Poet Rumi once wrote, “Out beyond ideas of right and wrong, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase each other doesn’t make any sense.”[2]

We know our future. Jesus has shown us the way. It’s around the table. Telling stories. This week, find a way to get in front of a trusted friend by phone or 6′ apart and tell them a truth that you are trying to understand. Or a truth you think you understand that they might speak to, and change the meaning of it. Help one another connect the dots. Get beyond right and wrong, and fall into a companionable silence once our laughter has died down or our tears are drying on our cheeks. I promise you that in that silence, you’ll find the presence the love of God and neighbor. Be still and know it.

Works Cited

[1] He said it at his 2005 commencement speech for Stanford, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1R-jKKp3NA

[2]  Essential Rumi. Translated by Coleman Banks Page 36